It’s 1 in the morning and I’m driving home with my hands shaking and tears streaming down my face. There’s nowhere to pull over and the text messages keep coming through one after another. I’m the only car on the road and part of me just wants to just stop driving right where I am. The text messages are coming in back to back and at this point I just start coaching myself through the drive.
“15 minutes left. Do not look at your phone. Do not pick up the phone.”
This is the way most of our healing journeys begin. A trigger in an unexpected text message. A phone call from an unexpected person. A reminder during an unexpected conversation. It is a point we reach where we can no longer avoid reality, but we haven’t prepared ourselves enough to properly manage all the emotions we’ve stored away in our minds. So we break down.
Our hands start to shake, we can’t catch our breath, the crying is uncontrollable and even if we could talk we don’t know what exactly to say.
I found myself here at 1 in the morning during a lovers quarrel. The thing is, it wasn’t just about the argument for me. The argument was fixable. No one had actually done anything wrong. Emotions were on high at both ends. We’d been dealing with grieving, loss, change. failures and most importantly: disconnection.
“How do I help someone grieve when I’ve never actually grieved myself?”
“How do I listen more when I’ve spent most of my life talking?”
“When is it time to give up and start over?”
In my own situation, these were the questions we had, but refused to ask. Instead we filled those questions with the statement, ” You love me so you should just know how to be there.”
And so begins the breaking. The facade fades. The things you didn’t know become apparent and the triggers hit harder than expected. At this point, you have a choice: say everything that is on the tip of your tongue and be free or hold it all inside and shut down. One is healing, one is dying.
I chose to heal.
The first step to healing is gaining clarity. To gain clarity, you need to begin with it. I cleared my space of all things and all people. Even for a day I needed time to see things beyond my emotional viewpoint. I needed to see things for what they truly were. I also needed to show myself that I wasn’t attached to anything but my soul. If need be, I had the power to let go of everything and anything.
Next is cleansing. I don’t recommend this for everyone, but I took a small fast. For me, fasting is a way to begin again, refresh and to remind yourself of how to be disciplined. I did a lot of praying during this period. I asked the questions I was embarrassed to ask and I waited for signs and answers before moving forward.
Finally, you have to make a change. Maybe the change is seeking therapy. Maybe the change is letting go. For me it was acknowledging. I acknowledged my journey of entrepreneurship and the bold, yet sometimes unhealthy choices I have made to continue it. I acknowledged my journey of love and the fact that I am 25 and have just realized what love is and should be, but that I have never experienced or given it. I acknowledged my past and decided to stop waiting for apologies and changes from people who didn’t do better when they had the chance.
I made some promises to myself. I promise to leave toxic wherever I find it. No more bringing home sick puppies and trying to cure them. I promise to be vocal when I’m unsure and to let go of this made up feeling called “embarrassment”.
#SimmaSays heal. Don’t wait until you have no choice. Heal while it feels good and while the air is clear.
Clear your space. Cleanse your space. Change your space.