Addressing your sexual emotions is an essential part of healing. We have to be able to talk about sex without getting turned on or grossed out. Sometimes we have to limit our focus to discussing it with the intent to find clarity. So today, let’s talk about being horny and being okay with that. And, let’s try to keep a straight face all the way through. Deal?
So where do I start? Should I start with the last time I had sex, which was with an absolute psychopath who had the sweetest heart? Or do I start with the last time I wanted to have sex which was with an absolute sweetheart who had psychotic tendencies? I’m sure that wherever I begin, it will lead me back to the point where I currently am: terrified of having sex, but in desperate need of a release.
I made my decision to be abstinent until further notice this past weekend. An emotional evening of ‘why am I even apart of this conversation,’ led me nose-level deep into my feelings up until the next morning. Long story short, you know what’s worst than a cancelled **** appointment?— A cancelled **** appointment that gets cancelled before you even realized you were making an appointment. I felt like as my professional life was progressing, my love life and my sex life was this huge consistent road block. (And why was I trying to separate those lives as if I could ever enjoy one without the other?) Casual sex was a fail, ex-sex was a fail, possible new love sex was not even a possibility and I was absolutely over it all.
“Why is having a positive sexual experience with someone I actually value, this difficult?”
“Because you’re trying to have one,” said myself to myself.
Having an urge does not always mean the urge needs to be immediately satisfied. Sometimes sitting in that urge and appreciating it can be more stimulating and satisfying than feeding it. Imagine transferring that sexual energy into something productive instead of giving it away to someone who barely even knows what to do with it.
Sexual energy may be one of the most powerful energies known to man. It is the life creating force. Some of the more successful men throughout history have practiced semen retention in an attempt to produce more, focus stronger and achieve more peacefulness. The immense self control that it takes to achieve this also contributes to a strange sense of serenity and eventually much needed clarity.
Reflecting on this allowed me to release my anxiety. Releasing my anxiety allowed me to release my tension. And, releasing my tension allowed me to address my fears.
I am terrified of having sex because: people keep turning out to be something other than what they say they are.
I am tired of realizing that I am more of a fetish than an experience to my partners.
Rape culture has become a kink somehow, and I’m really not into that, but it’s a little difficult to express that when you don’t have a safe word and he’s already in “mode”.
And, maybe your mood on sex is not fear. Maybe it’s “I am over sex because,” or “I am excited about sex because,” or “I am missing sex because.” Whatever it is, addressing it doesn’t always mean doing it. Take your time, experience the urge and as always …